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It's only semi autobiographical
Monday, November 29, 2004
This is the tale of how I ended up sitting with lesbians eating Sunday lunch in a gay bar, smelling like a girl and taking shots of Apple Sourz. As you may have guessed, it is both quite interesting and convoluted. The reason I was there was because I had drunkenly agreed to accompany my friends there the previous night, after getting pissed in said bar. She had, you see, peeled the vegetables that day and therefore got a free meal.
The reason I was in a gay bar harks back quite a way, so allow me now to start at the beginning, which is last Tuesday night after fencing.
I was drinking with friends, including one Seb, after a hard few hours swordfighting. We happened to go to the bar at the same time and he saw a poster. A poster advertising "Ladiez Nite" which, as we pointed out, has no less than three spelling related errors. Anyway, this "Ladiez Nite" began with an Anne Summers party, and Seb said...
"Hey, fancy dressing up as women and trying to get in there?"
Between anyone else this might have been a lighthearted comment, but I immediately asked the rest of our group if they would dare me to do so, one Daniel offered me a fiver, and so I built up a total bet of £20. Swiftly realising the potential of this, I decided to make it a fencing fund raiser, for new electrical equipment. One fencing session, and £125 later, it hit home. I actually had to go through with it.
There were several practice sessions, I learned to walk, talk and act like a lady. My breasts were constructed and reconstructed, I was corsetted, bra'ed and generally prodded into shape, until I actually looked like a woman. Some makeup and hair styling completed the effect. Flicked hair, long lashes, and orange FCUK t-shirt and black cardigan. Tight black trousers with green high heels finished the outfit, and I was ready to paint the town red. On the condition that no one looked to closely at my crotch.
Before I left, I checked my makeup, took a deep breath, adjusted my bra, picked up my purse and handbag, and Emily was ready to go.
Then night came, I had acquired some girlie friends to go with. 3 of whom were gay (Or bisexual, lets be inclusive here.) I managed to get in fine, past at least 5 women on the door, and sat down. I had time to have a drink, then buy some raffle tickets, and the displays were about to begin. Unfortunately, at this point I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Can we borrow you for a moment?"
They asked for ID, and my borrowed driving license (thanks Em!) was not allowed. They also wanted a passport. True, no one actually said "Hey, you're a man!" or, "Wait! She has a penis!" But it was implied.
Downhearted, I left. True, I had achieved what I set out to do, but there was no time to get good pictures, and I had hoped to stay in longer. My 3 friends come out and joined me though, and we decided that a good idea would be to get drunk in town. However, rather than go through the hassle of going home and changing, we decided to go to the gay bar in search of more lesbians. (Well obviously.) That way, we could get some more pictures to make it worthwhile for the lovely people who were donating money to us.
We did so, walking through town in my heels, and arriving at the bar, ordering wine, whiskey, brandy and shots. Pictures were taken. Jenga was played. Then 4 girls walked in through the door, immediately there was a comment from beside me.
"My god, they are so straight..."
Turns out they were, and also agreed to have their photo taken with me. They then became fascinated with my breasts, and groping them. There was also some groping of other areas, but they stopped that eventually. Apparently I make a pretty girl and a very handsome man.
Well, that is good to know.
I then agreed to meet my friends again the next day for lunch, which was very filling, and indeed, nicer than anything else I have eaten in weeks.
Well, that is my story, and I am sticking to it.
Now I'm late, and I'm going to town.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
This was going really quite well, until there was an incidence of phone swapping, during which time, despite both parties not doing anything, both mobiles broke. There was some disagreement, and melodrama, so I can only hope that everything will be ok in the morning.
Upon returning home, and playing Mortal Kombat for a while, my housemate turned up with friends, one of whom is Kieran (disenfranchised from funnylonelylife.) The other, who will remain nameless for his own safety, ended up intruding on Yanni whilst she was in bed. Not a good move. At this point, bed seemed like the safest option, and yet here I am writing this.
The evening was not entirely wasted though, as we discussed the relative crapness of Zombies in comparison to other undead creations. Vampires tend to have the edge we think. I believe everyone is now watching Shaun of the dead. I however am going to bed.
Oh ad by the way, please please write your name when you leave a comment, that way I can at least hazard a guess as to whether you are being sarky or genuinely upset by what I write. After all, if I do not get feed back, how can I learn how to upset more people? Seriously though, who left that last one, is it one of you accursed physicists?
Now I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
It is like this really, they are physicists, I am a mathematician.
I hear one of them call me, asking a question "What is zero times infinity..."
I paused, knowing what was coming next...
"It's zero isn't it?"
"Well, not as such...."
"Well, is it infinity then?"
"Er, kind of..."
It then transpired that they were not in fact doing this, they were multiplying two things, one of which tended to zero, the other to infinity, that is x*e^(-x) as x tends to
Anyway, this tends to infinity, but they would not believe me, insisting that anything times zero was zero. I tried to convince them... but they are physicists after all.
"Our lecturer warned us there would be people like you!" Was their parting shot as they went upstairs to get their maths wrong.
Now I'm bored, andI'm going home.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
I am quite drunk, so excuse spelling and grammatical mistakes please...
Last night, that is, Friday night, given that it is technically Sunday now, I went out for Ann's birthday.
We went to Mandalyns, which was very nice. It had a kind of community feel to it which you do not usually get in these parts. Mandy's is in fact a gay bar, and despite a few uncomfortable minutes to begin with, involving a few rather forward gentlemen, I soon settled in and began to enjoy the scene. This being despite Jon's best efforts... "Keep your back to the wall Rich, you never know what might happen in a place like this!"
It was a good night, and this was added to by the copious addition of lesbians. This might seem kind of sexist, or perhaps even perverted, but I challenge any straight man to say that an evening is not improved by attractive girls of any sexuality. Especially if said girls are being generaly touchy-feely and occasionaly getting off with each other.
This whole occasion could, however, have been quite depressing had I not had my very attractive and (presumably) straight girlfriend with me at the time to remind me why I remain part of the "breeder" fraternity.
There is more, but as I said, intoxication rules at the moment.
Later...
Thursday, November 18, 2004
But then, today as soon as my internet was connected, up popped my Steam connection with a large Lambda, and those dreaded words. "Half Life 2, playing now" with a little button to purchase the game online. I must have it...
Now I'm really tired, and I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Before we got there we stopped off at Spoons in Bath, and ate fish, chips, and belgian waffles. There was some peaness discussion. Then we went to Spoons in Bristol, a different one to all the other clubbers from Bath. This was to meet Ann's sister, who does not appear to be identical, but is still scarily similar. There was also a song. It was about lobsters. Moving their body close to Ann I believe.
One of the more interesting points of the evening, aside from the obvious dancing and drunkenness, was the fact that I got a lapdance off a tipsy lesbian, whilst Lauren and Jon were sitting beside me. Now I could explain this, but I think it is much more fun to leave it at that.
Oh and Kieran, it would be morraly wrong of me to put those names on the blog, so I will have to tell you later, although I am sure you have guessed at least one already. Oooh, or I could use my favourite code lol, based on my room number last year would you believe. obysjw
Now I'm ill, and I'm going to fence.
We went to Evolution last night, a club in Bristol. It was fairly good, though of course nothing in comparison to the clubs back home...
Before we got there we stopped off at Spoons in Bath, and ate fish, chips, and belgian waffles. There was some peaness discussion. Then we went to Spoons in Bristol, a different one to all the other clubbers from Bath. This was to meet Ann's sister, who does not appear to be identical, but is still scarily similar. There was also a song. It was about lobsters. Moving their body close to Ann I believe.
One of the more interesting points of the evening, aside from the obvious dancing and drunkenness, was the fact that I got a lapdance off a tipsy lesbian, whilst Lauren and Jon were sitting beside me. Now I could explain this, but I think it is much more fun to leave it at that.
We went to Evolution last night, a club in Bristol. It was fairly good, though of course nothing in comparison to the clubs back home...
Before we got there we stopped off at Spoons in Bath, and ate fish, chips, and belgian waffles. There was some peaness discussion. Then we went to Spoons in Bristol, a different one to all the other clubbers from Bath. This was to meet Ann's sister, who does not appear to be identical, but is still scarily similar. There was also a song. It was about lobsters. Moving their body close to Ann I believe.
One of the more interesting points of the evening, aside from the obvious dancing and drunkenness, was the fact that I got a lapdance off a tipsy lesbian, whilst Lauren and Jon were sitting beside me. Now I could explain this, but I think it is much more fun to leave it at that.
We went to Evolution last night, a club in Bristol. It was fairly good, though of course nothing in comparison to the clubs back home...
Before we got there we stopped off at Spoons in Bath, and ate fish, chips, and belgian waffles. There was some peaness discussion. Then we went to Spoons in Bristol, a different one to all the other clubbers from Bath. This was to meet Ann's sister, who does not appear to be identical, but is still scarily similar. There was also a song. It was about lobsters. Moving their body close to Ann I believe.
One of the more interesting points of the evening, aside from the obvious dancing and drunkenness, was the fact that I got a lapdance off a tipsy lesbian, whilst Lauren and Jon were sitting beside me. Now I could explain this, but I think it is much more fun to leave it at that.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Internet arrives wednesday. From then on expect more regular posts.
Now I'm late, I'm going to see Tam.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Also, in reply to whoever left that comment 2 posts back, there are several people who seem to believe that they can do this. If you tell me who you are, I might be temptd to give examples.
One week untill Mortal Kombat...
It all began after fencing, where I, a self proclaimed anti-epee fencer beat someone who will remain nameless with several hits to the foot and perhaps just a little over agression...
Anyway, we went to the Plug, as per usual, and began the whole drinking thing. There was some minor pen warfare, though fortunately ice and paper throwing was minimal. The only real event of note was that someone decided to retaliate with such force that even after the pen had been washed off (we are talking more than 12 hours ago now) I still have red score marks on my arm! I think she was just bitter about the fencing thing... I got revenge though, both through pens and music... Anyone for Queen? Nix?
I am going to be good and not mention hands.
On the way home that night I ran into three crazy pirates who took me away to Tees, or "the playground" as it is now known. There was dancing and cheap drinks. There was also a group of gay people, who had to suffer Kelly shouting "I love you people, I love allyou fruits, you're so GAY!" Then there was Mr D's, and two reasonably cute girls attempting to convince me to come back to their house. Tempting as the offer may seem, I in fact returned with the pirates and slept on a sofa/chair thing. Then I got up today, with the sole intention of going to happy hour at uni to get over last night. I win.
Now I'm hungover, I'm going to drink.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
This example I notice more in those of the female persuasion. It seems to be a common belief that if you retreat into your room with a significant other, after a certain ammount of flirting, then procede to spend a good degree of time giggling and bumping about in the room together, you can then simply turn on some music, and NO ONE will have any idea what you are doing at all. They will be completely foxed!
I suppose some people do it just out of courtesy, so others do not have to listen to them, being with each other in the biblical sense. But thre seems to be a good few who genuinely believe they can then come out later and pretend nothing ever happened. It's always a good laugh when they come out only five minutes later though. Generaly the girl comes out looking a bit dissapointed when that happens...
Now I have a maths test, I should probably revise for 10 mins...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Kieran, your link is now up, top of the list there for you.
Last night was interesting, went on the Gravity Vomit ("Gravity pulls down, we throw up") social for all of half an hour at the end, but it still had several interesting points. These included the discovery of chocolate on a window sill, and much incidental bra unclipping, which was fun.
I was worried for a while, as I thought I twisted my ankle on the way up to the rock night on campus, however, it transpired I had just done up my shoe too tightly, so all was good. I am currently preparing for a squash game, so I guess its just as well. Shame about the heavy drinking though.
I refuse to mention the George Bush thing.
The cheerleader's calander is good, though I have not yet investigated fully it's content...
Now I must run to squash, and I'm still hungover...
