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It's only semi autobiographical
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    • Sunday, June 22, 2003

    So today, once again searching for appropriate subject matter, I turned to a Muse for help. Well, I tried. Using the wonders of the internet I managed to locate an appropriate source of inspiration, and eventualy succeded. However, after a brief discussion involving cheesy pop (too mainstream,) envelopes (done to death,) or Reel Big Fish covers, she buggered off to do ironing. IRONING! Oh and to watch some American comedy. Realy. Takes the piss thats what it does, here I am, doing my best, and my bloody muse buggers off to do domestic chores. On the other hand, she did indirectly inspire me to write this, so its not all bad. I'm still angry, but I'll consider it a mitigating circumstance.

    So anyway, yeah. Reel Big Fish covers, loads of them, good.

    In real life, I'm off to a gig on wednesday, "Music From Your Backyard." Involves music, and apparently, dancing. I may be expected to "skank." (Pause for those of you who know me to picture this scenario.) Now it's not that I dislike dancing, I mean, a nice tango, or dramatic piece, choreography and all that, but well, I don't think dancing likes me. I get out there on the dance floor, and make a twat out of myself. Not all the time, I mean, when you are supposed to its fine, Grease songs for example, heavy metal is good, but when its just generic songs I'm useless. I either try too hard, and look like an idiot, or go for understated, and stand there swaying slightly, looking an idiot.

    Dance music is the bane of my social life.

    It doesn't matter what I try, I can do the exact same thing as my mate, who looks cool doing it, and I look like an idiot. I do my own thing, idiot. I try to be discrete, idiot. It seems to be a no win situation. Now, from my extensive studies, I have come to the following conclusions on how to survive.

    1. Never dance untill I have consumed at least 4-5 units of alcohol.
    This doesn't help, I still look an idiot, I just don't care any more.
    Come to think of it, the few times I've danced sober I've been told I was quite good, but that was Tango, never mind.

    2. Copy people.
    Look first at the girls, get a sense of the beat, and any pre ordained moves, (such as the arm movements in YMCA, The Macarana, or Greased Lightening.) Then turn to the blokes, see the more masculine style to follow, and copy, but slightly more discretely than the others.

    3. Stay on the inside edge of circles.
    Be in the circle, that way I don't get singled out. Stay at the right place, too close, or too far from the centre, and theres a chance of getting pulled into the circles centre where everyone can see you.

    4. Have some pre-planned dance moves for sticky situations.
    If one is caught in the centre, it is usefull to know what you should do. It is unlikey that you will be released if you do nothing, and normal dancing will only prolong the agony, therefore, do something vaugely different, followed by a crash into the edge, and a break out form the circle.
    Suggested moves include any form of spin, clap and footwork routine.

    Now I've described this, it is probably very clear how bad I am at dancing, so wednesday should be interesting. Ah well never mind, I just hope and pray my "skanking" looks even vaugely acceptable. From what I see, it involves leaning forward, bending the arms, clenching the fists and rigourously cranking the arms and legs. With optional looking off to a top corner of the room, with shades. How hard can it be? I already have the shades...

    Now I'm tired, and I'm going to bed, to fret about my poor dancing skills.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 10:30 pm
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