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It's only semi autobiographical
Saturday, January 10, 2004
--A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Portsmouth in the early hours of Tuesday 6th January 2004. Epicentre: The Tricorn, Charlotte Street Portsmouth.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "mentill" and "innit". The earthquake decimated the area causing at least several pounds worth of damage. The world's ugliest building the Tricorn seems undamaged although there has been no officaial report, and it is impossible to tell visualy.
Several priceless collections of the shittiest tat from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. The Portsmouth Evening News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
One resident - Ms Tracy Sharon Barcardi & Coke, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Britney-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Chelsea Megan-Storm slept through it all, but I was still shaking doing a couple of lines of low grade charlie whilst watching Kilroy the next morning."
Apparently though, shoplifting drug dealing and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, and the most needed include: Burberry baseball caps, Stone Island jumpers, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) and Shell suits sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Supermarket Smack or Trampagne (thats Carlsberg Special Brew & Tennants Super, to the general public.) 22 pence buys a biro for filling in compensation forms. £1.10 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of fratton, stamshaw, landport and buckland plus neighbouring areas Leigh Park and Paulsgrove. --
A moment of silence is asked for.
Now I'm tired, I'm getting in the shower.
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