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It's only semi autobiographical
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    • Sunday, June 29, 2003

    Nice. Party was a hit, got well pissed, all expense spared. No hangover, felt great, even went to work and enjoyed it! So, the goss from my party...

    Personaly got in to a few fights, purely for fun. Garfield beat me wrestling, what can I say, I don't have his experiance in wrestling other men to the ground. Boxing with Dingmatt was a little more succesfull, although it involved destruction to one of my shirts.

    Presents included a Ken doll. Ahem. Well, better than a banana I guess.

    There was some talk of an illicit relationship, which I now strenuously deny. I would never cheat on someone like that. I was also heard to loudly proclaim that "I liked being a virgin, it was more fun. From now on I am hereby a virgin again, 'coz you can't prove anything!" Which was interesting.

    The night was good, I'd do it again, lets do it again!

    Now, I'm slightly embarased, I'm going to bed.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 11:03 pm
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    Friday, June 27, 2003

    It's been a hard days night, and I've been working like a dog. It's been a hard days night, I should be sleeping like a log. But when I get home to you, I find the things that you do will make me feel alright. You know I work all day to get you money, to buy you things, but it's worth it just to hear you say you're gonna give me everything.

    And that was as far as I got before I couldn't keep up with the song. I was caching back up, but then I accidentaly shifted one key to the left, and messed up the next line. Still, I was impressed with how far I got!

    In other news I'd like to make a complaint about thin ham. Now I have no problems with ham, gammon especiialy is great. However, in sandwiches, ham must be thick, recently we've been recieving ham which is almost seethrough. Somehow it tastes wrong, and has that whole cold/manky thing going on. I'm not sure what all of this means, or even why I'm writing about it here. I guess I'm that bored.

    Also fairly randomly, I'm going to briefly go back to the actualy 'log' part of a Blog, and tell you what I'm doing, 'coz you are soo interested. I'm off to college again today to try to get my money back on all my maths books etc, you see, we had to pay a deposit, because they dont trust us. On monday I went in with all my books, which incidentaly weigh a ton, but no teachers to be seen. Usualy they swarm all over you like ants over honey, but when you are looking for money, gone. Quel surprise.

    Now I'm bored, I'm going to college.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 12:30 pm
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    Wednesday, June 25, 2003

    Ok, no updates recently because the computer was being irritating, and I fixed it last night and then went out and got drunk. It's probably just as well that I don't write while drunk. Now today, something slightly different, rather than a rant, or any description of my life or terpsichoreally challenged nature, I'm going to write a disclaimer of sorts.

    I bear no grudge, or prejudice whatsoever against any member of any ethnic background, and do not discriminate due to class, colour, creed, nationality, physical disability, sex or age. I believe that everyone should have equal rights in the eyes of the law, and that a person should be payed for the job they do, not who they are. Their pay should be based on the skill required, the desirability of the job, the level of responsability required, and any appropriate market forces.

    A brief example of this, one often quoted, is the prize money for Wimbledon tennis matches, male and female. Now, I believe in equal pay for equal work, however, men play more sets than women, as a starting point. On top of this, market forces dictate that more people want to watch the men play, thus generation more advertising revenue, and therefore, more money to be put toward paying the sports persons. (As a side note, I have heard one feminist argue "Thats just because more men watch sport than women." To which my response is "So...?")

    Now though, I will admit to my one serious prejudice. Unnecessarily fat people. Sorry, but there you have it. I mean, if its a medical condition, no problem, they can't help it. But I mean real medical condition, none of this "addictive food" business, or "its my metabolism" or even the classic; "Im big boned." My refutements to these are, in the order which they were stated: Take bloody aversion therapy, people give up fags don't they? You can change your metabolism, take some bleeding exercise! And finaly, big bones make you heavy, they dont cause your belly to overhang your belt, twice!

    It should be noted, that when I say "fat" I realy mean obese. Theres nothing wrong with a larger person, even if I don't find it particularly attractive, but when we start talking about kneecaps dissapearing behind flab, then its unreasonable. Cankles? I shouldn not even have to explain myself on that one. I mean jesus, you don't need to "diet" or do anything special. Eat 3 reasonable sized meals a day, get the RDA of everything, NOT more, and take up a bloody sport. If you are too shy or crap, run! Or even walk, walk for just 30 minutes a day, thats more than enough, and if you are as big as the kind of people I'm talking to, it'll be one hell of a workout too.

    So, uhm, anyway. I'm not prejudiced.

    Now I'm hungry, I'm going to find rice pudding...
    Posted by: Anonymous / 2:31 pm
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    Sunday, June 22, 2003

    So today, once again searching for appropriate subject matter, I turned to a Muse for help. Well, I tried. Using the wonders of the internet I managed to locate an appropriate source of inspiration, and eventualy succeded. However, after a brief discussion involving cheesy pop (too mainstream,) envelopes (done to death,) or Reel Big Fish covers, she buggered off to do ironing. IRONING! Oh and to watch some American comedy. Realy. Takes the piss thats what it does, here I am, doing my best, and my bloody muse buggers off to do domestic chores. On the other hand, she did indirectly inspire me to write this, so its not all bad. I'm still angry, but I'll consider it a mitigating circumstance.

    So anyway, yeah. Reel Big Fish covers, loads of them, good.

    In real life, I'm off to a gig on wednesday, "Music From Your Backyard." Involves music, and apparently, dancing. I may be expected to "skank." (Pause for those of you who know me to picture this scenario.) Now it's not that I dislike dancing, I mean, a nice tango, or dramatic piece, choreography and all that, but well, I don't think dancing likes me. I get out there on the dance floor, and make a twat out of myself. Not all the time, I mean, when you are supposed to its fine, Grease songs for example, heavy metal is good, but when its just generic songs I'm useless. I either try too hard, and look like an idiot, or go for understated, and stand there swaying slightly, looking an idiot.

    Dance music is the bane of my social life.

    It doesn't matter what I try, I can do the exact same thing as my mate, who looks cool doing it, and I look like an idiot. I do my own thing, idiot. I try to be discrete, idiot. It seems to be a no win situation. Now, from my extensive studies, I have come to the following conclusions on how to survive.

    1. Never dance untill I have consumed at least 4-5 units of alcohol.
    This doesn't help, I still look an idiot, I just don't care any more.
    Come to think of it, the few times I've danced sober I've been told I was quite good, but that was Tango, never mind.

    2. Copy people.
    Look first at the girls, get a sense of the beat, and any pre ordained moves, (such as the arm movements in YMCA, The Macarana, or Greased Lightening.) Then turn to the blokes, see the more masculine style to follow, and copy, but slightly more discretely than the others.

    3. Stay on the inside edge of circles.
    Be in the circle, that way I don't get singled out. Stay at the right place, too close, or too far from the centre, and theres a chance of getting pulled into the circles centre where everyone can see you.

    4. Have some pre-planned dance moves for sticky situations.
    If one is caught in the centre, it is usefull to know what you should do. It is unlikey that you will be released if you do nothing, and normal dancing will only prolong the agony, therefore, do something vaugely different, followed by a crash into the edge, and a break out form the circle.
    Suggested moves include any form of spin, clap and footwork routine.

    Now I've described this, it is probably very clear how bad I am at dancing, so wednesday should be interesting. Ah well never mind, I just hope and pray my "skanking" looks even vaugely acceptable. From what I see, it involves leaning forward, bending the arms, clenching the fists and rigourously cranking the arms and legs. With optional looking off to a top corner of the room, with shades. How hard can it be? I already have the shades...

    Now I'm tired, and I'm going to bed, to fret about my poor dancing skills.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 10:30 pm
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    Saturday, June 21, 2003

    Hey guys, it's been another uneventfull day, so instead of talking you through it, I'm going to write a mini review of Enter The Matrix, because its my site, and I can. I recently completed the game (10 minutes ago) therefore I consider myself qualified to do this... ;-)

    To start off with, Matrix fans everywhere should buy this game. The sheer quantity, and quality, of the FMVs includerd is reason enough, but the style of gameplay is awe inspiring. Little touches make it perfect for anyone who loved The Matrix, and there are several nods of the head to the original film in the gameplay, the first level, for example, includes the famous 'Lobby Scene' complete with breakable pillars. Another touch which I enjoyed is the ability to leab backward down stairs, whilst firng up at any approaching enemies, I can only wish that it had come in more usefull in the game.

    It should be said, however, that the game is realy just a method of telling the complete story behind The Matrix: Reloaded. The gameplay is too simplistic for serious gamers, which is the price that needs paying for the complex graphics, and sheer number of combat moves available. Despite this factor, it excels at what it sets out to do, some of the moves in hand to hand combat are spectacular, especialy when facing multiple opponents, and the FMV's add to the story and background to no end. The ingame sequences, whilst "Focus" or bullet time is used are similarly fantastic, and you can realy hear the crunch of fist on bone when those punches connect.

    The hacking feature is a nice touch, and remembering that this game realy is aimed at a mainstream audience, is quite fun. Serious programmers might find this part a little frustrating, especialy due to the difficulty of using the "\" key on the PC, However, with patience even someone who has never touched a computer before should make it to the end with few problems. Another side effect of this part of the game is that if you are compelled to use cheats (though you realy should not need them) you can comfort yourself with the fact that you are not cheating you are "Hacking the Matrix" to make yourself sronger and more focused...

    In conclusion, a great piece of entertainment, with occasional frustrations due to the controll system. Simple enough to accomodate the most basic skill levels, but perhaps leaves something to be desired by the more hardcore gamers, who would possibly enjoy the films the most.

    Well, that was as brief as I could make it. But there is one other thing, once you complete the game, you can get a sword! Nice, time to play again, lets see how Agent Smith stands up to 35" of cold steel...

    Now I'm tired, but I'm going to focus, and practice my swordfighting skills...
    Posted by: Anonymous / 11:25 pm
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    Friday, June 20, 2003

    All cylinders are now firing on the party front, we have music, drink, food and people. But we need more! More people, because you can never have too many. So come on guys, 28th, Avenue Tennis club, Havant, from 7 onwards. Get pissed, you're worth it.

    Read the news today, oh boy. About a lucky man, who made the grade. And though the news was rather sad, I just had to laugh, yeah. I saw the photograph. He blew his mind out in a car, didn't notice that the lights had changed.

    And on that note, I'm tired, and my eyes hurt, so I'm changing my contacts.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 10:47 pm
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    Thursday, June 19, 2003

    Over the course of today I've been mainly preparing for the big night, that is, my birthday. Got more envelopes, and during a brief stint at work, viewed the cow embossed butter with suspicion. Since today has been so hilariously dull, I'm just going to have to have another rant.

    This time, it is another product which has caught my eye. Moist toilet paper. When I saw the adverts, my first reaction was

    "You HAVE to be joking."

    Now I wrote a long spiel here about the dangers of moistened paper usage, but removed it, due to nausia content. Sorry.

    I'm bored and tired, I'm going to go play the Matrix.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 10:33 pm
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    Wednesday, June 18, 2003

    Today, I bought envelopes. But not from the Post Office, oh no. Why? Because the Post Office, the Royal Mail if you will, doesn't sell envelopes. What. The. Fuck. It's a bloody Post Office! Post, mail, stamps, letters, stationary... ENVELOPES! Does no one else see the connection? Is it only me that is confused by this turn of events? When I go into a Post Office, I expect to be able to procure everything I require to post a letter, be it ink or paper related goods. I could possibly find it within myself to forgive an absence of, say, pens, since they are not directly linked to the posting process. However, very few things, (Aside from the Post code, use it guys) are more integral to this process than the envelope, the means by which letters, and many other things, are posted.

    When I'm surrounded by cards, paper, stamps, wrappings, wedding invites, pasport photo machines and Postboxes, it's fair to assume I can get envelopes, right? Wrong. Well, I'm disgusted. Happily, the Stationary Store in Waterlooville Precinct sold me 25 white envelopes for less than a pound, now THAT is service.

    So moving away from that topic... The matrix is still cool, and I've hacked pretty far in now, which was fun.

    Ski... well is still being Ski. Today his name on MSN was "If there's something Black, in the neighbourhood, who ya gonna call? Coon-Busters" Complaints to the usual address.

    Now I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 10:22 pm
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    Tuesday, June 17, 2003

    Exams are over! There was some confusion which meant I did zero revision for Psychology, but hey, what can I say, I did my best. I only need a B anyway.

    Also, got Enter the Matrix, the fight scenes rule!

    In other news, more bamboo combat occured with my bro.

    Also, my darling ex, BlondeBitch, (Don't worry, she won't be offended, she knows shes a bitch) has passed her driving test. Just thought I'd make room to say well done, and U'd better drive me around so I can get drunk. Or preferably after I get drunk; I'm not sure that I can face the trip to Pompey sober...
    Posted by: Anonymous / 10:06 pm
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    Sunday, June 15, 2003

    So I was working today, and came across some butter. Cow embossed it said on the side. This threw me into a state of deep theological confusion. Can cows emboss? Why would one emboss its own butter, or another cow's butter perhaps? Could the world realy be based around cows? What does this mean in the greater scheme of things? And does emboss mean what I think it does?

    Now, I found out that emboss does actualy mean

    "Middle English embosen, from Middle French embocer, from en- + boce boss: 1 : to raise the surface of into bosses; especially : to ornament with raised work
    2 : to raise in relief from a surface"

    As I thought.

    Now how would a cow be able to produce its milk so that the produced butter was embossed? It just doesn't make sense. Then I saw the other meaning...

    "Middle English embosen: to become exhausted from being hunted, ultimately from Middle French bois woods : to drive (as a hunted animal) to bay or to exhaustion "

    What? So the cow tired out the butter? Then I thought, hang on, perhaps they are just saying that a cow was at some point embossed. Perhaps they had to chase the cow to milk it. I don't know why they'd put this on their packaging, but presumably it was hard work, and they are proud.

    So anyway... Nothing else happened today.

    Now I'm tired, I'm going to have a bath.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 4:49 pm
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    Saturday, June 14, 2003

    So yeah, last maths exams went bloody well, and only have two left, and one of those is psychology, so I'm laughing.

    Increased my arsenal today, by one quaterstaff, made of bound and hardened bamboo, should be fairly effective, must try it out on a target that can fight back... (I.E not my brother)

    Since nothing more interesting has happened, allow me to introduce you to a rather interesting group...

    Recently, a new action group has come to my attention, under the name of the [ICC] They are commited to spreading their message across the globe.

    This message is unclear, but it seems to be a harsh and disturbing one.

    As far as I understand, being a memeber of this exclusive group gives you executive licence to be as abusive, and harsh as you like, to absolutely anyone; and it's all in the name of equality.

    Unlike some similar groups around these days such as the KKK, or BNP, the [ICC] is an equal opportunity discrimination group. It does not focus on one minority, or even a majority. It simply directs intense hate at any person, any time, for any reason. Truely, anyone can be a target of the [ICC] and this is what makes it such a unique and fulfilling group.

    There are certain themes to the group though, and I can only say for certain that I'm glad that I'm not ugly, gay, depressed or fat, as these are all in the first line of [ICC]'s offence (No pun intended.) However, this alone does not protect you. Any minor fault, or even not having any faults can leave you open to attack from the [ICC] which apparently 'levels the playing field.'

    Ski, the founder and head of [ICC] insists that despite any evidence to the contrary, he remains "fair and just", through a process of discriminating against everyone equaly. When further questioned though, he made some random noise, called someone a dyke, and screamed "GANDAAALFF!" After which the subject changed...

    One theory behind this groups actions is as follows. We can never completely rid the world of prejudice, and discrimination, but we can make it fair, by ensuring everyone recieves the same ammount.

    Upon questioning Ski however, I recieved this response.

    "Well, descriminating agasint every one simply minimizes any trouble I could get into, as my actions are equally spread. But to say that I abuse everyone to be fair, that's completly the opposite. I just enjoy being a cunt, and will happily say anything to make any one feel as depressed and meaningless to society... just for kicks really."

    Which is one of the longest and coherent statements I've heard on this subject from him.

    in any case, I'll update you on this as it happens, this could potentialy cause the end of civilisation as we know it, or not. I don't know. Anyway, Im tired, I'm going to eat.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 6:55 pm
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    Thursday, June 12, 2003

    Exams still relentlessly pressing on. Did psychology today, pretty good, but could have been better on the last question especialy.

    I missed yesterday, but pretty much all we did was sit around 'revising' at college, and popped in to the centre for a McDonalds.

    Today's been similarly dull, just came home after the exam and am getting ready for P5 tomorow. Somehow, I'm thinking I might fail...

    On a more interesting note, my birthday party on the 28th! Avenue Lawn Tennis and Squash Club, all welcome. Give us an e-mail if I've missed inviting you, everyones invited but I need to put names on a guest list.

    I promise I'll get more interesting after my exams, and I might even do a couple of features before then.

    They killed Spike! Bastards! He's the best character next to Giles. Sodding hell.

    Now I'm tired, but I'm going to revise...
    Posted by: Anonymous / 4:11 pm
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    June 10th

    Had a mechanics exam today, which was managable. Can anyone tell me the tension in an elastic string natural length 1.8M, modulus of elasticity 12.6N when it has been stretched to 2M? Answers to the usual address. (simple_superiority@hotmail.com) For those of you who cant work the link.

    So yeah today, went into college again to revise, bringing in my swords again of course. No chair racing today, but numerous matrix style fight scenes with the swords. Scores: Chudson - Severely caned legs (He wore shorts) Matrix - Nearly lost a knuckle. Cho - Stabbed eye. Myself - Length of bamboo half a cm under my nail.

    Aside from my own injury, all others were inflicted by me. Now, thats not because I'm a violent person, I just happened to get more hits on them than they did on me, swordfighting being a hobby of mine.

    After that... actualy, no we spent the whole day fighting. Never mind, the exam was alrite after all.

    June 9th

    Hey, another facinating day at you fingertips now.

    I have these A level things going on at the moment, so I'm actualy doing revision. In fact I should be now... never mind. So today I'm in college, prepared to knuckle down seriously, and do some work. A few of my mates arrived, with Matrix soon finding that our chairs slid realy well across the floor...

    After the third chair destruction derby, and numerous competitions on sliding distance, I did manage to do some questions.

    Then frisbee beckoned, again, several times. Wow, I can now do an air bounce thing, catch it under my leg, throw backwards, all sorts of new stuff, all tutored by my m8 Captain Maturity. After some tiring intense sport with him, Matrix and GingerSexistBird, I headed back toward the block to do some SERIOUS revision.

    At which point I remembered my swords.

    Some serious fighting ensued between me and Capt M, before we retired to lick our wounds and revise.

    But again, by the end of the day I was distracted by a pretty girl, 34, and her love life stories. After explaining my exploits from yesterday, Capt M said the classic words... "34, the skin on your hands look realy smooth today. They're realy pretty..." and we can all see whats coming next.

    Slipping into my understanding feminine side (After checking all blokes had left the building) I proceded to have a chat which lasted hours. This ranged from girls through boys, hovered around bra size for a while, before returning back to 'relationships.'

    By now, 7.30, I've done 5 questions, for my exam tomorow. Fingers crossed...

    It's now10.30, since 7, I have done 2 more questions, and talked to Ski... he's just found out about the "Fat tax." For those of you who don't know yet, this is a new tax on fattening foods. Ski doesn't like fat people you see. Quite a lot actualy, so this news was greeted with immense joy, and his name on MSN is now

    "Ski - All You Fat Bastards Gutted There's A Fat Tax!! Go Cry & Have A Pie Fatty![I.C.C.]®"

    As you may have noticed, Ski is in fact the harshest bastard in existance.

    Just after I typed that, I have recieved some evidence. Anyone see the burns victim documentary? ITV 10.35. Ski was in tears. Tears of laughter.

    June 8th

    Ok, so this is the first post, hopefully of many. Unfortunately today has been pretty boring since I've been at work. They'll get better I promise.

    Girl told me my hair was fluffy today, said it was cute then "Can I touch it?" "If you must" Then she proceded to attempt to grope me.... can you sue for sexual harrasment if you are a 17 year old male at a supermarket? (Prepare for rants on topics such as that by the way...)

    In other news, me an Ski had a field day today winding up MadCow this girl I know through MSN. Went a bit far I think, there was something about barbed wire, and hanging. Now she won't talk to us. Was fun while it lasted. We make a good team, you see I'm a nice guy mostly on the surface. Ski is, and is proud of being, a cunt. So when she pissed me off and I lay into her, I get Ski to talk to her all nice like, she pours out her troubles, how I've 'hurt' her and then tells him some rather private stuff. He tells me, then we share a chat with her in which we pretend I dont know, get into a fight with each other, play her off against one another... Happy days.

    Enough for today, expect more later this week, possibly tomorow. Now I'm tired, I'm going to bed.
    Posted by: Anonymous / 12:44 pm
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